The most self-explanatory cocoa solid on the market, the chocolate orange, available in globe or bar format. What can be said that hasn’t be said already? It’s a classic, it’s a personal favourite. Oh it’s moreish. One prefers the ball format to the flat stanley but needs must when out on the road. I’ve got the remnants of a flagship choc de l’orange at home. Umpteen segments of unbeatable citrus choc wedges. The bar is broken down to 6 squatter, more realistic orange segways. The taller thinner slivers of the presentation piece are far preferable though. It’s an event with the chocolate orange globe, a real conversation starter, often eliciting whoops and hollers when unveiled after dinner. Food Legend likes to take the chocolate orange out of the box and lead it in to the room, gracefully balanced in my outstretched palm. I hoiter and I toiter, perhaps while humming a little ditty (here comes the bride or similar), I then faux stumble and throw the orange against the wall/hard wood floor. The guests are dumbfounded and the orange is successfully desegmented within its wrapper. Tap and unwrap is the mantra but I prefer to whack and unwrap. My perfect presentation would be descending down a concrete staircase, perhaps at a cocktail party, with the chocolate orange rolling precariously on a large silver platter only to flip it down the steps after a few stairs descent. I’d also like to bowl one through a window “accidentally”. The whole show lends itself to advertisement far more than the lesser creme “how do you eat yours” egg bore. Chocolate orange, how do you smash yours?
Beyond the shock factor of the presentation, the chocolate orange is simply divine. I’ve never eaten a whole one on the bounce but I probably could. If you gave me an hour in solitude I’d do the right thing. Doubt i’d even feel over-chocced, there’s an elegance in the slivers that is rarely seen elsewhere. Social convention restricts one from going hell for leather on it as the product is almost always a team endeavour. Far less in your face than a group toblerone, more presidential than a bowl of maltesers yet far more everyman than a platter of fererro rochez. “Cheesy footballs” have the tagline, “it isn’t a party without Cheesy footballs” but I’d argue that it isn’t a party without Chocolate Orange. It’s a sharer and it’s portion is so plentiful that the whole family can have a go without diminishing the display too much. I’ve never seen one tapped and unwrapped in a buffet/event dinner situation but the day I do is a bright day. It’s the kind of cocoa solid that Heston Blumenthal probably wishes he’d invented. It’s a chocolate orange. What is it? It’s a chocolate orange. What, an orange made out of chocolate? Yes, a chocolate orange. It’s beautifully simple and executed perfectly. Is it a design classic? Don’t know but I know the Jiff Lemon is and this is better because it’s more fun.
You can get white chocolate “snowball” alternatives and ones with popping candy in but I prefer the orange-inal milk chocolate classic. Sure I jumped when segsations came out in all their bumper variant glory but that passed and I’ll always plump for el clasico these day. Dunno how much they fully retail at normally but scour hard enough and ye shall never pay the rrp. Get someone a chocolate orange this Christmas, get yourself one. Get your mate Terry one and then take it back off him for shits and giggs. Bosh one open on someone’s head, bowl it out in to the middle of a busy road, pot one with the cue ball, crush it in your bicep, boot one in to your neighbour’s garden.
Lastly but not leastly, the choc orange globe tops the bar on one greater factor than the ones mentioned previous. The core. The earth’s core. A delicate spindle that binds the segments from the centre. Wheedle the spine out and enjoy, it’s a trophy piece. Somewhere someone is wearing a necklace with tens of choc orange cores dangling like a beautiful ancient ruin/remix on the shark’s tooth necklet. Make your own at home or just make a necklace with a single smooth plated segment engraved with your lover’s moniker.
Chocolate orange, how do you smash yours?